Decisions

As I know many of my friends back home are wondering about when (and indeed whether) I’ll be home again, here are the reasons I can’t really give you an answer.

In the beginning, I had a plan. I was going to spend 2-3 years in Korea, and then see where the wind took me. I imagined I’d do a CELTA, and go teach somewhere like Germany. Because why not.

Fast forward eight months into my epic (hahaha. pun.) plan, and it’s not what I signed up for. It’s better and it’s worse and now I don’t know what I want.

In a blog post I wrote ages ago where I complained about my job (again), a fellow EPIK teacher in a less than idyllic situation commented “It’s only one year. We can do anything for a year.”

And I’ve proven that. And so has she. (You can check out her blog here). She’s been placed in a worse situation than I have. Also, I think she’s handled it better than I have. I know how whiny I’ve been. I feel like a child saying “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!”

Oh the shame.
Oh the shame.

I have, however, handled it for this year (well, for eight months) however poorly.

The question that comes up now is whether or not I’m able to handle this for another year. I keep thinking about all the things I’d be giving up if I decided not to stay. If I stay another year, I can make a more concerted effort to see more of the country. I could try to leave a more permanent record or plan or something like that for whoever comes after me (seeing as I got nothing of the sort). And… you know… the money isn’t bad.

Partly because I don't actually get time to spend my money.
Partly because I don’t actually get time to spend my money.

But how much of a masochist would be if I stayed?

After reading a blog post of mine (Between Scylla and Charybdis), a friend of mine pointed out that “being flexible” is not the same things as working constant overtime. Furthermore, constantly accepting more work sets a precedent that I will have to maintain. If I ignore the financial angle of the situation, is it worth spending another year here, knowing what this is doing to my sanity?

The answer is probably not.

But can I afford to ignore the financial side of things? When I go home, I’ll need a car, I’ll need a place to stay (as I doubt either my mother or I will like having to share accommodation again – even though I know she regards one of the bedrooms in her flat/townhouse thing as mine) and I’ll need to find a job.

Am I prepared to spend weeks, or possibly months hunting for a job? Am I prepared to work retail or waitress or something like that in the mean time?

(The answer is yes, I’m prepared to do these things… I’m just not sure if I’m prepared to do the waiting around and being unemployed that this involves. Last time I found myself unemployed after having been extremely busy for a long time, I read four books in a week. Then, I spent several weeks lying on the sofa hating myself and idly contemplating suicide. Should I kill myself today? Nah. Too much effort. May as well stay here and marathon Game of Thrones.)

Do I want to do that?

Theoretically, I face that no matter when I go back. And I know I want to go back home. The question – again – is when.

My co-teachers keep saying ‘next year’ like they’re sure I’ll be here.

I’m not a list making person. I’m not good with working out pros and cons, especially because this isn’t a quantitative thing. The words ‘extra classes’ do not connote the amount of extra effort they entail. The words ‘good pay’ do not explain just how much of a relief it is for me to have money in the bank.

What I fear will happen is that when they do ask me, I’ll answer based on what kind of day I’m having. Some days I think I definitely will stay, and other days I’ll wonder how I possibly could stay.

And all I’m waiting for now is for them to ask.

Advertisements

One thought on “Decisions

  1. I’m with you on the indecisiveness and wondering if my sanity can withstand another year… My school is pretty rough and I find myself in tears more often than I’d care to admit. But I’ve decided to renew anyway. Honestly, if I could go somewhere else and make this much money I would, but it’s not likely, and I’ve got some long term plans that I am really looking forward to that require money. Plus, everyone says the second year is the best! You’re already settled and have things figured out, you’ll have most of your lessons planned for next year, and you can get more into a swing of “regular life” (if that’s possible in this country). But at the same time if it doesn’t feel right, then don’t do it! A year is not long if you’re enjoying yourself, but if you’re miserable it will feel like a decade. Good luck, whatever you decide!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s